Monday, January 11, 2010

From the Jez Files: "Virginity Lost"

i was older than most when i shed my virginity. being a chaste baptist church girl, i never had much of an opportunity to get into trouble. i think my curfew was 8:00pm all the way into college. bummer.

but as i've already expounded, my pristine upbringing didn't stop me from being a horny little teen. i had sex on the brain as much as anyone my own age. but when you are known as "the good girl" or "the pastor's daughter" no one is exactly eager to be the first person to defile you. the stigma is a tough one to get past. i watched as my friends had experiences and lamented that i had none of my own. for a while i subscribed to the notion that the first time ought to be "special" and that eliminated many prospects ... but by the age of 21 i was over that entirely. i just wanted to get it fucking over with. pun intended.

the big V felt like something tangible i had to get rid of. something i needed to eliminate so that i could go on with my life and stop obsessing over it. and i conspired to do exactly that.

having attended a concert one night at a major venue i found myself with a gaggle of girlfriends in the VIP lounge bar. at the time i looked like a punk princess. black hair ... studded bracelets ... boots ... i looked a lot more experienced than i actually was. i guess that was the point. my friends giggled when they noticed i was getting a lot of attention from an older guy in an expensive suit. he turned out to be 35. i think he thought i was some dominatrix or wild child. he bought me drinks all night. i let him because he was good looking and i was bored.

when the night ended he tried to get me to go home with him. i refused. the baptist in me still balked at being "easy." he settled for my number and left. that night i thought long and hard about what i felt was a wasted opportunity. i was tired of being a virgin and this guy would have happily relieved me of the problem. yet i had left out of some sort of conventional idea of propriety. i was holding myself back.

the next day the man called me. he said he wanted to take me out on a date. amused, i agreed to dinner and a movie--evidently he wasn't just crusading to get into my pants. he asked for my address and i told him i preferred to meet at his loft. he probably thought i was being safe ... but i really had other ideas.

i showed up in a tight black dress and heels. "you look amazing" he said. i could tell he was turned on. "shall we go?"

"no." was my reply. i think that is the last thing that was said. i attacked him at his door...

click 'read more' and see how a big cock finally freed me of my V...

at 21, i had never been all that bold in my life ... but at this moment all the years of pent up sexual tension came to a head. i slammed him into the wall of his entry-way and kissed him hard. for a fleeting moment he looked utterly stunned, but he quickly recovered.

we were all over each other ... he ripped my dress off while i yanked at his shirt. he had a very nice body ... i figured if i had to wait this long to lose it, i wasn't going to lose my virginity to anything other than someone i found insanely attractive. as he started to fumble with the back of my bra i bit at the V poking out of his pant line. he suddenly stopped and pushed me back onto the couch and said "no ... i don't want to strip you right away ... i want to get a good look at you and take my time and enjoy this."

now i'd agree that was hot, but at the time i was impatient. fuck that. just get my clothes off and do me. i shot him a dirty look and used my foot to massage the growing bulge in his pants. he moaned and grabbed for me again ... this time he picked me up and carried me upstairs and placed me on his bed. i noticed there were candles all around ... waiting to be lit. he saw me glancing and murmured "i was going to try and make it nice later ..." a little embarrassed. he was expecting to fuck me ... and even though he had no idea it was my first time, the guy was trying to make it romantic. it almost made me laugh out loud.

in case you haven't surmised dear readers ... there was no way in hell i was going to tell him i was a virgin. he wasn't special. and i didn't want him to feel special. i didn't want him remembering our encounter in some way that made him feel he had done anything all that grand or important. he was just a hot dick that i was using ... and it was as simple as that. i also just desperately wanted to get fucked. i didn't want some painfully awkward altercation ... a hesitant man ... constantly being asked "does this hurt" or "is this ok?" knowing i was a virgin would have a been a burden on both of us.

by this point he had ripped my bra off and was crushing my breasts with his mouth and hands. i was gasping in shock and delight ... i felt myself growing wet and clawed at his back. his mouth met mine again as he deftly removed my panties. "this is it" i thought ...

but to my surprise he grabbed my legs and pushed them open only to begin to lick my pussy. i watched him like a kid watches a science experiment ... curious to see what he was doing and what would happen. he was one of those guys that gave it his all ... but he really had no idea what was going on down there. it didn't do a lot for me ... and it wasn't what i wanted anyway. i remember thinking to myself "i bet he is hoping i'll suck his cock" and i knew that wasn't going to happen. i didn't care enough about the guy to take his dick in my mouth. i wasn't going to give him that. i was just going to secretly give him my virginity.

i grabbed his head and pulled up from my soaking lower half ... "FUCK me." he grinned and yanked me lower onto the bed. if he was disappointed that i didn't give him head, he never showed it. he pulled off his underwear and revealed a very large cock. i quietly panicked that perhaps i should have tried to find something a little less in size for my first time. length and girth had me feeling a little light headed. i think i'd feel the same way about it even now.

"i haven't been able to stop fantasizing about this all day." he said. i braced myself as he slapped his cock against my cunt. he attempted to slide into me and my body resisted. i felt a searing burning pain and tried my best not to let him know it.

"God ... you are really tight" he said ... sounded quite happily surprised.

"You have no idea." I responded, then covered with "I'm just really small."
Three minutes later ... he still couldn't get it in.

I was in the midst of cursing heaven ... starting to believe my mother had successfully managed to make a pact with the angels so that my vagina would grow shut when I was startled to hear the man say "I don't have any lube ... but I bet that would do the trick."

"Where do we get it?" I asked. I had never even been inside a sex shop in my life.

"There's a shop up the street. Sorry to have to break the mood like that ..." I was shocked he was apologizing. The guy had no clue that he was trying to fuck a virgin ... I guess that meant he was used to women having a hard time with his size.

We put our clothes back on and he drove us over to a sex shop nearby. On the way he kept trailing his right hand up my leg and feeling in-between my legs. I shot him dirty looks. My courage wasn't daunted yet.

As we entered the store I marveled that I was having two new experiences all at once. A porn shop and the loss of my virginity. I looked down and noticed that he still had a hard on. I thought my underwear was ruined. I pretended to have a clue when he asked me my opinion on his lube choice and we got back in the car once again.

Back at his loft we started making out the second we got into his door. The clothes went flying once again. He threw me down on the bed and with one arm pinned my arms behind my head. "I'm going to fuck you this time." he said.

He lubed himself with the other hand and jammed himself into me. The lube did the trick. I saw stars. Not really the good kind. It hurt like hell. Every thrust was a searing pain. I gasped and twisted in his grasp ... he didn't relent. He fucked me hard ... biting into my neck and gasping as hard as I did. I didn't ask him to stop. I was determined that he'd never know how bad it hurt ... the most I did was moan loudly a few times. I felt like I was having an out of body experience ... watching it all happen. It was my own personal science experiment. So this is sex ...

"You are so tight ... soooo tight ..." his voice all tense in that way that I'd soon learn meant a man is about to cum.

His orgasm was violent ... he reared up and bellowed. I once again watched like it was an out of body experience. Curious to take it all in. My first time.

He collapsed next to me, breathing heavily. I was relieved it was over. My cunt throbbed like it had been obliterated. I watched his cock go limp ... and nervously felt myself. I had a momentary panic that there would be blood to reveal my recent maidenhood ... but all was well. I wondered when the burning sensation would go away. I thought about how powerful it felt to turn a man on like that. I had a high pain thresh-hold ... so despite the discomfort, I had found I was very excited by the power I had in the situation.

He pulled me into a spooning position and I realized that I wanted to leave. I didn't want to cuddle. I didn't know this man. I didn't want to know him. He had served his purpose ... a beautiful body that could rid me of my virginal state. I worried over how to leave ... and when to do it. After waiting ten minutes ... I tried.

"Where are you going?" he said ... I felt his hands pulling me back towards the bed.

"Oh, uh ... I should really get on home."
"Wow. You are bolting! You're trying to bolt!" His handsome face looked incredulous.

The good southern girl in me felt impolite. I had used him, but I couldn't admit it to his face. "No! I just ... you probably want your solitude now." I thought most guys would love a girl who fucked them and then got the hell out. I was so naive.

He forcibly grabbed me and pulled me back into bed. He pinned me underneath him and said "You aren't going anywhere." He looked down at my lower body and for the first time I grew self-conscious. I felt vulnerable. "You are so beautiful" he said ... and I blushed. Shit. This was getting too personal.

He lay against me and whispered "I'm going to want to go again soon." That is when I realized that my aching vagina was not off the hook yet. Time to go.

"I have to be at work super early tomorrow" I lied. I jerked away and started putting my clothes on. He was visibly disappointed.

"But I want to take you to breakfast tomorrow!" Oh my gosh ... this guy is a gentleman. I mused over my luck. There are a million men out there who would love to fuck a girl who will then go home and never want anything from them again ... but I had chosen a nice one.
"Sorry ... I can't." I could see he was hard again.

He sighed and then got out of bed. Ever the gentleman he walked me to my car (even when I insisted he didn't have to). "I'll call you tomorrow" he said.

I sped home ... waiting for the lightning bolt. Waiting for my world to change. Sure that my loss of virginity would spell some sort of consequence or wrath from heaven. I lay in bed realizing that tomorrow would be no different than the day before.

He called just like he said he would. One, two ... three ... countless times. The poor man genuinely wanted to get to know me better. It was the cherry on top of my "losing my virginity guilt sundae" that I already was eating. I couldn't handle it ... so I never responded to a single call or message.

Some might say it's sad that I didn't lose my virginity to someone I cared about ... or in some loving romantic situation. Truth be told, I don't really buy that losing your virginity to your high school sweetheart means all that much years later. It's all in the past ... and whether it was a high school sweetheart or a stranger from a bar ... whatever words of passion were uttered are no longer relevant to the present. It was what it was. That guy wouldn't be in my life anymore anyway.

And in the end, I got what I wanted. Once you become a slut, no one expects you to be a saint anymore.

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