Wednesday, December 2, 2009

i am NOT the holy mother.

we have an issue.

but before i get to that ... i think it might be important to establish that there are two of us writing this blog. a couple in a relationship ... who love each other, are committed and blah blah blah ... all that romantic shit. sometimes she is writing, and other times he is. how would you ever distinguish? i suppose we should both have a signature. he can choose his ... i'll leave mine at the end of this post.

onward to the issue. something i hope this blog helps us on to the journey of solving. my boyfriend ... whom i love ... and adore ... sees me as this pristine little madonna. not the cool "whore on wheels" pop icon ... the biblical and saintly virgin mother. boo. this is not at all pleasing.

evidently, the fact that i'm sweet, supportive, nurturing and kind in the daylight has rendered him unwilling to exact his fantasies or desires upon my head at night. he feels "guilty" to grab me by my hair, choke me on his amazing cock and to basically treat me like his personal sex robot. lame. who the fuck determined that nice girls are never dirty? god ... its so damn disgustingly boring it makes me want to scream. is fucking me like fucking christ's mother? because that doesn't sound very fun. though honestly i would think that even she had a real hankering to get fucked hard once in a while.

ok ... so he's not at fault. i have been a clam in expressing the most extreme side of myself. i think i was waiting for him ... but want honesty? i'm a dirty slut with dark fantasies. choke me. fuck me hard and painfully ... bang my cervix like a fucking drum. don't ask permission. take what you want. and cum on my face when you finish.

i am very much submissive instinctively with my lover. i love being dominated (*but do love dominating when invited & given permission). anais nin summed it up as if i wrote it myself when she wrote "I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, f*cked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding." hell YES.

you know what turns me on? that little fantasy of my boyfriend's ... the one where he walks into a hotel room to find me fucking someone else. you'll never see me suck a cock any harder than when i know he's sitting there watching. ignoring him while i ride a virtual stranger ... and then force my boyfriend to suck the evidence back out of me. i practically need to throw away my underwear when i contemplate having them both at the same time. their balls slapping each other as they ram themselves deep into me.

and no i'm not just being polite. i have totally touched myself to the idea of a third party in our sex play ... another man. inside my boyfriend while he's inside me. that's unbelievably hot. and you'll never get me to acknowledge masturbation out loud ... so enjoy it here. damn my baptist upbringing. it's probably the reason i get off on the idea of him fucking me in front of a room full of people.

i loved the time he slapped my ass so hard it left a bruise. at the exact moment i gasped a scream ... i came. that was wild. but i think he gets scared to do that often.

our sex life is great ... i'm not complaining. i feel so loved ... so connected ... such intimacy with him. i love simple love making. it's important too. it raises the intimacy and establishes a deep trust. my heart is so heavily entangled in this man. which is why i can say what i am saying here.

i once gave him a copy of "the story of o" and perhaps that was my subconscious way of letting him know what i like. pauline reage's book was a love letter to her own lover. a pledge to be his eternal whore and submit to his will. but what pauline and i both know is that it's not just about giving the other person what they want ... we're whores who get off on being used ... and giving ourselves completely to a man we love to the point of sickness. i was raised southern baptist ... so i don't always have an easy time talking about it out loud ... but i like rough, dirty and intense. vanilla sex can be great, too--but variety is the spice of life ... and this nice girl wants to eat his ass like cake. she touches herself to a secret fantasy where she's tied up and blindfolded ... left on a bed. forced to fuck whatever strange men he lets into the room, while he watches and she is blind. used for his pleasure. i'm actually not all that nice when it comes to sex. i want to eat him alive ... he has no idea how much i've had to curb my tendency to bite since i've met him.

and if you need further proof of my sadistic sexual side ... feel free to imagine my lesbian era. i can make a girl multiple orgasm with my tongue. i know how to use it like a cock ... it's too bad there isn't video footage to back that up. i prefer men ... but do be assured that during those days i had very voracious appetite for pussy. given the opportunity, i could give him quite a show.

so don't you fucking dare tell me i'm like a madonna. she makes me yawn. i'm a mother fucking jezebel. jezebel led the hebrews into idolatry, sexual immorality and subjected them to tyranny. now she sounds like someone i'd hang out with. i'll ride your cock after it's been inside of me and enjoy tasting myself all over it. there is nothing "nice" about that.

yours truly,

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