SLUT

That word ... just sitting there alone in all caps seems so ... harsh and ugly. What is a slut? A bad thing? A good thing? Is it shameful to enjoy sex? To seek it out? To have it with others? Should a woman live her life avoiding that title?

Those questions have very obvious answers to me. But then again, even I use the word in more than one way. I call myself "The Secretive Slut" in a teasing sex-positive way. I imply that I present an innocent face to the world, but in private I am a sex fiend. I like it, and yet I have to ask myself why even I feel compelled to hide the extent of my sluttishness from the world. Why, when glimpsing the fake-titted bleach blonde bimbos in Hollywood do I quietly call them a "slut" with a negative intent? How does that differ from what I am? Why has this word become so convoluted?

I think we need to devise a way to differentiate the two ... the good slut from the bad slut. The slut it's fun to be, and the slut you hope you never are. I call myself a slut because I have a raging libido. I can have sex multiple times a day and not be sated. I'm ready to go anytime and all the time. I'm happy to let you wake me up for it. I love sucking cock. I love being fucked. And I'm the kind of girl who will quietly go out of her way to take care of this need when stuck in "single mode." Just like my friend whom I'm about to mention.

Three of our friends share a house. Two of the roommate are guys and one is a girl. The girl is one of my dearest friends on earth. The guys are very close with Cane. One (we'll call him Z) has a crush on my girlfriend ... or should I say "had" a crush. Till he heard her have sex two nights in a row (the walls are thin) ... with two different men. He was disgusted and revolted by the idea that she was sleeping with several men (who don't know about each other). He was incensed that she was not even embarrassed in front of her housemates by it. She hadn't mentioned these hookups to me ... and probably because she knows the prevailing attitudes of the world toward women who have a lot of sex with random partners. Z sheepishly admitted the unfairness of his sentiments, but also confessed he couldn't help it. His crush has vanished ... all he sees when he looks at her is a "slut."

I pointed out that while I am not sure why she hadn't wanted to be a little more clandestine in her hooking up, the fact that she had done what she had done only put her in the ranks of most guys I know (Z included--he has some stories). I think most men (even if it was only a brief youthful period) have experienced fucking lots of women who were unaware of one another. I've heard countless war stories about dudes who got head in a bar bathroom from one "bar slut" only to leave with a different girl, have sex with her ... and then go out on a date the next night and fuck that girl, too. And don't forget how many men have at one point or another cheated on a girlfriend--that means sex with more than one person at a time. Even nice guys don't always see anything wrong with dating a lot of people at once and having sex with all of them (individually). But men get high fives for such behavior. People think it's funny when a dude is managing to juggle a lot of tail at once. Women get branded a "SLUT"--and not in a sexy fun sort of way.

But we women are just as guilty of having these attitudes. I'm disgusted sometimes by male friend's really bawdy tales ... and yet at the same time, I don't find it half as revolting as knowing some girl who falls in bed with a stranger every time she has a little too much to drink. I'm just as guilty of having a double standard as my male counterparts. Women should in essence be allowed to openly enjoy and seek sex--just like men do. If I enjoy sex and love it ... I can call myself a slut. If you enjoy sex and love it ... you can call yourself a slut. If I'm being fucked by Cane, he can call me a slut. But somehow any other use just carries a negative connotation.

Do I think my friend is a negative kind of slut? No. Do I think she is entitled as a single woman to date who she wants and have sex when she wants? Absolutely. Is she making foolish decisions at the moment? Probably. But not because she's tarnishing her reputation with her housemates. It's because I know her and I know what she really wants and all this hooking up is really more about her need for a relationship than a desire to have crazy sex. She's in the process of trying to make several shoes fit in hopes of one sticking. Sex isn't the smartest way to accomplish that. But she has every right to get laid, and as frequently as she would like. I'm of the mind that dating/sleeping with multiple people at once isn't kind or smart--unless you have told everyone about each other. She isn't telling her dates about one another, so these guys are likely assuming more is at play in terms of relationship. Someone could get hurt ... or an STD. But that is the only thing in this situation I frown upon. Her having sex two nights in a row with two different men ... well, I just don't think that makes her some horrible slut as opposed to guys who would happily do the same thing. If I'm totally honest, I'll admit that I've given a BJ to one guy one day ... and turned around and slept with another the next. These things happen. To fuck is human.

Z sees the double standard. He knows it isn't fair, either. He just can't mentally get past his own idea of her ... she fell off the pedestal in his mind and he can't do anything about it. But the truth is that he's probably revolted not by the fact that she was behaving like a slut, but that she wasn't being a slut WITH HIM. Hooking up with your housemate isn't necessarily smart, but he wouldn't have frowned upon that occurring. Once again, double standard. The worst kind of slut is not to be slandered, rather, pitied instead. She sleeps with men seeking affirmation because she has zero self worth. She isn't seeking the pleasure of sex ... she's seeking validation. Sex doesn't validate, it just stimulates. Therefore, this is a tragic and misguided reason to be a slut. Men seldom stick with a girl with no confidence or value in herself ... so such women often drift partner to partner on and on. Pity those sluts. They are the slut you don't want to be.

The other night, Cane had a lot to drink. He was having a good old time. Several of our friends were far too drunk to drive, so they crashed in our living room while we went to bed. To my surprise, Cane was raging horny. He was all over me with everyone right outside our bedroom. I'm loud. He shocked me by holding me down, ripping my legs open and ramming his fingers up inside of me. Every time I gasped he would push his elbow into my neck and whisper "Don't you fucking make a sound. You fucking slut. You love this don't you?" Wow. He rarely brings out the dirty talk and I LOVED it. I loved being called a slut. I loved being treated roughly. He bit my lips so hard I've got cuts on them. I was dripping into his hand and he surprised me by shoving his fingers into my mouth and making me taste myself. "You're a good little slut aren't you? You enjoy tasting yourself on me." Um, YES! When he joined me in tasting it I think I came. I'm not sure. I was in a state of bliss. This was the GOOD slut. The kind you would happily be called over and over. More please.

Too much is wrapped up in this four-letter word. Too many pre-conceived notions and ideas about what it means and how it is defined. No woman, open with her sex life and sexuality, is free from it's brand and negative connotations. So I suppose I remain a slut of the secretive kind ... until the day being open about it doesn't bring unfair scrutiny.

All images Copyright: The Secretive Slut, 2010