Wednesday, February 24, 2010

SLUT

That word ... just sitting there alone in all caps seems so ... harsh and ugly. What is a slut? A bad thing? A good thing? Is it shameful to enjoy sex? To seek it out? To have it with others? Should a woman live her life avoiding that title?

Those questions have very obvious answers to me. But then again, even I use the word in more than one way. I call myself "The Secretive Slut" in a teasing sex-positive way. I imply that I present an innocent face to the world, but in private I am a sex fiend. I like it, and yet I have to ask myself why even I feel compelled to hide the extent of my sluttishness from the world. Why, when glimpsing the fake-titted bleach blonde bimbos in Hollywood do I quietly call them a "slut" with a negative intent? How does that differ from what I am? Why has this word become so convoluted?

I think we need to devise a way to differentiate the two ... the good slut from the bad slut. The slut it's fun to be, and the slut you hope you never are. I call myself a slut because I have a raging libido. I can have sex multiple times a day and not be sated. I'm ready to go anytime and all the time. I'm happy to let you wake me up for it. I love sucking cock. I love being fucked. And I'm the kind of girl who will quietly go out of her way to take care of this need when stuck in "single mode." Just like my friend whom I'm about to mention.


Three of our friends share a house. Two of the roommate are guys and one is a girl. The girl is one of my dearest friends on earth. The guys are very close with Cane. One (we'll call him Z) has a crush on my girlfriend ... or should I say "had" a crush. Till he heard her have sex two nights in a row (the walls are thin) ... with two different men. He was disgusted and revolted by the idea that she was sleeping with several men (who don't know about each other). He was incensed that she was not even embarrassed in front of her housemates by it. She hadn't mentioned these hookups to me ... and probably because she knows the prevailing attitudes of the world toward women who have a lot of sex with random partners. Z sheepishly admitted the unfairness of his sentiments, but also confessed he couldn't help it. His crush has vanished ... all he sees when he looks at her is a "slut."

I pointed out that while I am not sure why she hadn't wanted to be a little more clandestine in her hooking up, the fact that she had done what she had done only put her in the ranks of most guys I know (Z included--he has some stories). I think most men (even if it was only a brief youthful period) have experienced fucking lots of women who were unaware of one another. I've heard countless war stories about dudes who got head in a bar bathroom from one "bar slut" only to leave with a different girl, have sex with her ... and then go out on a date the next night and fuck that girl, too. And don't forget how many men have at one point or another cheated on a girlfriend--that means sex with more than one person at a time. Even nice guys don't always see anything wrong with dating a lot of people at once and having sex with all of them (individually). But men get high fives for such behavior. People think it's funny when a dude is managing to juggle a lot of tail at once. Women get branded a "SLUT"--and not in a sexy fun sort of way.

But we women are just as guilty of having these attitudes. I'm disgusted sometimes by male friend's really bawdy tales ... and yet at the same time, I don't find it half as revolting as knowing some girl who falls in bed with a stranger every time she has a little too much to drink. I'm just as guilty of having a double standard as my male counterparts. Women should in essence be allowed to openly enjoy and seek sex--just like men do. If I enjoy sex and love it ... I can call myself a slut. If you enjoy sex and love it ... you can call yourself a slut. If I'm being fucked by Cane, he can call me a slut. But somehow any other use just carries a negative connotation.

Do I think my friend is a negative kind of slut? No. Do I think she is entitled as a single woman to date who she wants and have sex when she wants? Absolutely. Is she making foolish decisions at the moment? Probably. But not because she's tarnishing her reputation with her housemates. It's because I know her and I know what she really wants and all this hooking up is really more about her need for a relationship than a desire to have crazy sex. She's in the process of trying to make several shoes fit in hopes of one sticking. Sex isn't the smartest way to accomplish that. But she has every right to get laid, and as frequently as she would like. I'm of the mind that dating/sleeping with multiple people at once isn't kind or smart--unless you have told everyone about each other. She isn't telling her dates about one another, so these guys are likely assuming more is at play in terms of relationship. Someone could get hurt ... or an STD. But that is the only thing in this situation I frown upon. Her having sex two nights in a row with two different men ... well, I just don't think that makes her some horrible slut as opposed to guys who would happily do the same thing. If I'm totally honest, I'll admit that I've given a BJ to one guy one day ... and turned around and slept with another the next. These things happen. To fuck is human.

Z sees the double standard. He knows it isn't fair, either. He just can't mentally get past his own idea of her ... she fell off the pedestal in his mind and he can't do anything about it. But the truth is that he's probably revolted not by the fact that she was behaving like a slut, but that she wasn't being a slut WITH HIM. Hooking up with your housemate isn't necessarily smart, but he wouldn't have frowned upon that occurring. Once again, double standard. The worst kind of slut is not to be slandered, rather, pitied instead. She sleeps with men seeking affirmation because she has zero self worth. She isn't seeking the pleasure of sex ... she's seeking validation. Sex doesn't validate, it just stimulates. Therefore, this is a tragic and misguided reason to be a slut. Men seldom stick with a girl with no confidence or value in herself ... so such women often drift partner to partner on and on. Pity those sluts. They are the slut you don't want to be.

The other night, Cane had a lot to drink. He was having a good old time. Several of our friends were far too drunk to drive, so they crashed in our living room while we went to bed. To my surprise, Cane was raging horny. He was all over me with everyone right outside our bedroom. I'm loud. He shocked me by holding me down, ripping my legs open and ramming his fingers up inside of me. Every time I gasped he would push his elbow into my neck and whisper "Don't you fucking make a sound. You fucking slut. You love this don't you?" Wow. He rarely brings out the dirty talk and I LOVED it. I loved being called a slut. I loved being treated roughly. He bit my lips so hard I've got cuts on them. I was dripping into his hand and he surprised me by shoving his fingers into my mouth and making me taste myself. "You're a good little slut aren't you? You enjoy tasting yourself on me." Um, YES! When he joined me in tasting it I think I came. I'm not sure. I was in a state of bliss. This was the GOOD slut. The kind you would happily be called over and over. More please.

Too much is wrapped up in this four-letter word. Too many pre-conceived notions and ideas about what it means and how it is defined. No woman, open with her sex life and sexuality, is free from it's brand and negative connotations. So I suppose I remain a slut of the secretive kind ... until the day being open about it doesn't bring unfair scrutiny.

All images Copyright: The Secretive Slut, 2010

13 comments:

  1. with edward, i am a complete slut. i love doing dirty things with him, an d i cannot get enough of sex. but you're right, this word does carry this negative connotation with it. when i talk to people i hardly know about sex, i can see that they do judge me. even though i've only had one partner, even though i am madly in love with him, they judge. because as a woman, i should keep my sexual activities to myself, which is bullshit. i ignore normativity and talk about sex; i have no shame that i like a good fucking.

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  2. this isn't some bizarre marketing plug, but I think the people who read this website would find this guy's views enlightening, especially after this awesome post. I know I have. he really digs into the bedrock of why the baggage for this word 'slut' exists in the first place and then goes and clearly and logically dismantles all the negative programming we've heaped on it as a society. he can ramble on in some places, but if you read more about him, the kind of girls he surrounds himself with and listen to what he has to say, you'll find that he is most definately not full of bullshit.

    http://www.seductivereasoning.com/

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  3. I love the way you ponder topics like this and especialy your ability for reflection on your own thoughts. Still I hate it when you fail doing the very same thing.
    While it's totaly understandable that you're looking for answers, maybe you should get used to the idea that there is no truth out there. Everything is flowing, everythings partly true and unfortunately mainly false ;-)
    I agree that there are probably a lot of sluts out there and some may be good while others may be bad - but I can never draw a line between them.

    I don't know your girlfriend at all. Still I got the feeling, that this: "She hadn't mentioned these hookups to me" maybe due to you thinking this: "she has zero self worth" and even posting it in your blog, although you probably don't expect her to read it.

    You seem to be very bothered about the judgement of others, still in your article I found lots of judgements and enlightening truths.

    Poor Z, by the way. I hope he never stops trying to harmonize his feelings with his thoughts...

    With love,

    Lenni

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  4. Thanks as always Ms. D ;)

    Jayne welcome!

    Vincent ... I will definitely check out that article and I appreciate the suggested reading.

    Lenni ... not sure how I feel about your comment, though I do think responses of any sort are a good thing. I don't agree that there is not truth out there ... but that is another discussion. This article was meant to be a reflection on a word, the hypocrisy of the way it's used and even an analyzation of the hypocrisy I even find in myself. It wasn't meant as anything more than that ... and as for the story about my friend ... she was the greatest way to illustrate said hypocrisy and the freshest example. But I have never judged her, made her feel ashamed--I love the girl unconditionally. That doesn't mean I don't have my own suppressed sentiments, however, which I do think is appropriate to dissect and examine on an anonymous blog. I also see a huge difference in recognizing a friend's needs/issues as opposed to judging them. But thank you for reading as always.

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  5. Thanks to you. I don't do this kind of comments very often, but you somehow raised the need in me to make my statement. This may actualy be kind of a compliment.
    Still, I think you do judge. We all do and we do it all the time. What hit my nerve was not so much the fact that you are communicating it, but the fact that you seem to be so sure about your opinion.
    Few things (if any) are without perspective.
    While for one there is no truth at all, the other one may be seing lots - and they can still agree.
    Obviously you don't want to hurt your friend and therefore you may be trying to keep some thoughts to yourself. But you can never do more than trying.
    Best regards

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  6. Slut will never be a friendly word outside of very specific circumstances and there are good reasons for it. One is very obvious. Sex can be dangerous. It can lead to violent crime, and disease.
    Every man wants a woman who wants and needs needs. Many men even like a woman who wants and needs everyone. The very same man often recoils when offered evidence of her "sluttish" ways. As if lack of proof is proof absence.
    But now we're talking more about fear and greed than a reasoned response to data. We're socially programmed to accept that men are weak and randy, and that women are Angelic saints. In large part these pre-conceptions are true. We grow up being mothered by saints. And sadly too many of us watch men around us do terrible things to these womens emotions and and bodies. We watch our mothers and sisters suffer through unbearable agony while husbands, boyfriends sit in comfy lounges and laugh, or we see mothers work tirelessly to care for children while fathers leave their responsibilities at work.
    We learn that women are precious and special, and then we join the ranks of the despoiler. And so when we see a woman who fails to live up to our preconceptions of womanhood and it's not with us we loose them to a sea of questons and fear and jealousy.
    We see what should only be given to me, given to others.
    Sometimes this makes a situation in which the dream is lost, and the woman is merely human, not something to be desired and cherished. Sometimes it makes them a thing to be abused. But the heart of the double standard is the very differences in the strengths of men and women that we believe so universally that they build the basis of all male-female interaction.
    Perhaps the worst of the matter is that such knowledge brings home all of the fear and uncertainty that we like to ignore in order to progress on each of our myriad slutty lives in pleasure.

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  7. Oh Lenni ... I think you are reading too deep into that one part of this article. The article wasn't about my friend ... it was about the fact that any of us women who engage in sex openly and frequently are often slapped with an unjust moniker. And while I do agree that at the end of the day, we all have judgements we inadvertently make subconsciously buried within ... I am not judging my friend. And if I'm sure of certain things, it is only in regard to her ... because of how close we are and how much she does confide in me.

    She was just an example of a larger issue--that women can't engage in sex openly without risking being called a SLUT in negative form. What I don't go into within this article is the hours she has spent crying on my shoulder over the fact that she is single, over being alone and conveying how much she desires to be in a relationship. THIS and only this is why I think her behavior at present is a bad idea ... because she isn't enjoying the sex ... she's trying to find a relationship. If I thought she was just having fun there wouldn't be any reservation on my part.

    But again, she was a mere example of the term being used (by Z)--and the article was not about judging her ... rather she was a good way of demonstrating my point. Perhaps it comes across very convoluted ...

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    Replies
    1. Why didn't you come out and tell your friend that Z had a crush on her? And that by her sleeping with those men - she had knocked herself off that pedestal that he set her on?

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  8. Brag--good points you raise ... and I agree. All very interesting things to chew on.

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  9. Wonderful, thoughtful, and well-reasoned post.

    Just found your blog; I think I'll follow along for a while. Thanks for writing.

    XO

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  10. I think a woman can be Sluty and not have multipal partners. My girlfriend is sluty and does many things that turn me on and maybe others around us but she only has sex with me. We have talked about her having sex with other men and women and she thinks it sounds sexy and all but she has decided to keep sex totally with in our realm of control So is she a slut or just a good girlfriend? I like her this way. It keeps our sex life alive and exciting.

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