My Horny Valentine

Well readers, it is time for me to admit that I do like "Valentines Day." Some tout it as a commercial cash-in on consumer's need for affirmation. Others simply look to it as a source of validation, an annoying obligation to their spouse or lover ... or even angrily view it as a stupid holiday that presumes it's not important to express love to a lover every other day. I even have girlfriends who staunchly refuse to acknowledge it--disgusted by a day that reminds them of their solitude. I always liked it--even when I was single. I am of the mind that any day that reminds us to reflect on the gift of romance (or even the absence of it) is a good one. I love to be challenged to be introspective and self-examine. I love a good excuse to heap extra doses of romantic goo all over Cane. I love LOVE.

This is a sex blog--and while (as Woody Allen so delightfully said) "Sex without love is an empty experience, but as far as empty experiences go, it's the best"--I have to say that I have always found that sex without love is never as precious or meaningful as the sex I have within the confines of it. Today I am grateful for Cane--for a man who truly loves me. He fucks me silly. Treats me like a dirty whore in bed. But outside of it, he brings me cupcakes when I have a bad day. He cooks for me when I'm sick. He holds me when I cry over some of the more painful experiences in life. He doesn't yell "GROSS!" when I am puffy and without makeup. He makes me laugh when I am cranky. He has been willing to grow and become more of a Man for me--letting go of his single wild-boy ways. His company outside of the bedroom is just as wonderful as in it--he makes me laugh and enjoys the same nerdy things that I do. I can't imagine my world without him. I love him in ways that words only serve to cheapen. I love him unconditionally.

So today I reflect on love. There are two kinds of love in this world. Selfish love and unconditional love. Selfish love is far more common than unconditional love. Most of us don't naturally grow up able to love unconditionally. It's a kind of love that has to be striven for ... worked for ... grown into.

Selfish love is the kind that seeks its own validation and edification. Those who practice it will choose to enforce their own ideals in a relationship ... to push their partner to say what they need/want to hear ... they will ignore or try to alter that which scares/disagrees with their own desires ... they will require that their lover conform to their own standards and balance is always off when things don't measure up to their expectations. Selfish love is a fantasy love. You have to live in non-reality and you prefer to survive on half-truths. You deny your partner the ability to speak freely. You force your partner to hide parts of themselves. You actually build a wall of lies between you over time ... one which you happily built for your own security, but then become resentful of.

Unconditional love is the kind that seeks the chance to pour itself in full completely into another vessel. It longs to know all there is know of the other person. It craves truth and disclosure because these things allow the love to be fully unconditional--the lover is like a book that must be read in full over and over--cherished like a treasure. It suffers at the idea that the other would need to hide any part of themselves like a scholar who grieves the absence of an answer to an essential formula. It wants to love both the beauty and the flaws. The pure and the profane. It longs to merge in full in such a way that it no longer is identifiable as an individual ... but instead becomes like a tributary that flows into it's lover ... helping it become the mighty river or ocean that he/she knows it can be.

So today I celebrate the beauty of loving someone the way I do Cane--and the way he loves me. This is why we are able to communicate the way we do--the reason we are able to have this blog. May all of you be so fortunate. Happy Valentines Day ... may you love someone the way you wish to be loved in return.