Living out our fantasies in private... and letting the world read about them.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Getting Honest & Getting Dirty ...
I like it rough.
I like it gentle, soft & romantic, too, but I really love it rough on occasion. There was a night that Cane was so rough and so forceful that I'm sure my screams woke the neighbors. They were purely screams of pleasure, but screams nonetheless.
I love having my hair pulled. I love being forced into a position of his choosing. I love it when he forces himself into me without taking any time to get me ready. I love being smacked & spanked. Feeling my underwear nearly being ripped off my body. I love seeing faint hand-marks where his hands have gripped me and held me down.
This particularly epic rough night lives in my mind as such an intense and awesome experience. But I noticed something (both endearing and concerning) ... Cane routinely felt the need to stop himself and apologize. Every few minutes, after calling me a "whore" or a "fucking slut" and accusing me of enjoying my defiling, he would hesitate and sweetly go "Not really! I love you!" It made me laugh but also reminded me how important it is that we women communicate our desire to be rough, our interest in being treated dirty in the sack and also how integral it is that we make sure we give permission to our men that spells out their freedom to just trash our ass when the time is appropriate.
Growing up a church girl, I was taught to avoid conversation about sex. I was taught that it's embarrassing and shameful. I have escaped a lot of this mentality, but the tendency to shrink from expounding heavily on my own sexual inclinations is there. I find it easy to say "I love it rough" but do I provide details? No. Do I define what "rough" is for me? Do I explain what is enjoyable? Nope. And by refraining from expounding, I cause my very sensitive and loving partner to hesitate to be free even as he honors what I've requested. Kind of an unfair predicament. Not to mention that because I'm a good girl by day, conduct myself with integrity and essentially value virtue in other areas of my life ... Cane has at times admitted that he sees me more like a saint than a personal whore. It's nice to be revered, but it's also nice to get fucked hard. The burden of responsibility is on us (especially women) to make sure our partner feels that they can both love & respect us outside the bedroom while treating us like dirty little sluts behind closed doors. The future mother of your children still wants to be your dirty little secret. I swear.
I'm not a mind reader, and the likelihood is that you aren't, either. A lot of times we THINK we've made the right noises to indicate appreciation of an act ... or we think it's enough to have not said anything negative--we try to indirectly indicate our interest in something. It's not the best way to get our point across when it comes to sex. So ... I'm starting a movement. I challenge every single one of you out there who has a partner, husband, wife, boyfriend or girlfriend--to make a hit list. Write down a top list of your favorite dirty deeds & acts your partner commits on you. Articulate not only the general idea of what you like when it comes to more adventurous bedroom antics--but exactly what you want, how intense, etc. Give yourself license to be detailed. Make sure there isn't a question mark in your sexual partner's head when it comes to what you are wanting and hoping to enjoy. Guessing is for pussies (and not the fun kind). You will likely hear your partner go "Really?! I wasn't sure if you liked it or were just doing it for me!"
My own hit list:
*I love it when Cane is rough. I love hair pulling, light choking, being held down, arms pinned, forbidden to free myself. I love being forced to suck his cock ... to the point that he is practically face fucking me.
*I love dirty talk. I love it when he calls me names. I love it when he tells me the evil things he wants to do. I love it when he talk about his fantasies while inside me. I love saying dirty things back and admitting how much I want him to violate me.
*I love a moderate amount of discomfort. I don't want to be in pain ... but I love it when he takes a little liberty. Shoving his cock into me when I'm not fully wet yet. The one time he took my ass (unexpectedly) while we were in the shower. I loved the way he pushed me against the wall and just took what he wanted.
*I have never felt so insanely turned on as I did when he came in my mouth and proceeded to kiss me and take some of his own cum back into his own. I LOVED it.
I've told him these things in a broader strokes. But have I said to him "It was awesome when you forced yourself into my ass!" No. Have I made sure he knows how turned on I get when he calls me a fucking slut? Did I tell him that it was amazing to see how turned on he was as he fucked my mouth and made me gag and my eyes water? Not fully. So I can imagine he may have thought I did it only for him. He may have seen it as a kindness ... not a personal turn on.
We have to say these things bluntly and fully. If we have partners who care about us, they aren't going to enjoy things that they think they are forcing onto us. Cane fantasizes about me fucking another man. But he would never enjoy that reality if he thought I wasn't enjoying myself. Why would he enjoy rougher sex acts with me if he thinks I'm just doing it to make him happy?
I challenge those more shy readers out there to give your partners a list and get bold in describing what you enjoy and like. No more just "hoping" that your husband figures out what you want ... or hoping they pick up on a drift or two. Direct communication is hot. And it means you both are more likely to get what you want. Trust me. And it's not enough to just give your sexual partners the license to perform certain acts on you or with you. You have to give them the confidence and security that you are not only a willing participant, but an enthusiastic recipient.