Tuesday, December 8, 2009

What I Learned At Church ...

by Jezebel

i grew up the dutiful daughter of a baptist minister. not the slightest bit rebellious ... not the least bit promiscuous. i dreamed the dream of a prince on a white horse and being prized for my virtue. it was a romantic notion ... but one that also kept me from relating to the rest of the world.

i went to church every sunday. sang the hyms ... contemplated my mortality, the existence of God and my own sinful nature. i feared for my soul. i wept with gratitude for the sacrifice of His only son. i prayed with the fervency of one who believed her prayers were heard. and i read the scripture. religiously.

if only the elders and minister who often congratulated me on my dedication and "strength of character" had realized what i often did during the sermon. while seeming to be so very engrossed in Bible verses ... the picture of piety ... i was really getting off on what had to be some of the sickest and most stunning erotica ever written. have you ever really read the Bible? it's loaded with rape, incest, illicit love affairs and even same sex relationships. and it was the closest i could ever get to even talking about the subject as my parents kept the chastity belt so tight that they didn't even regard the "sex talk" as important.

my personal favorite was always queen esther.

reputed to be the most beautiful woman in the world at the time ... the brave jewess who won the King's heart and risked her life to save her people. but when you research the history of the time ... and really comprehend what it took to be a king's wife in that region & era ... well let's just say that Esther, who i was told i should strive to be as selfless as ... was a real sex pro. the entire book of esther is really about a SEXUAL competition to win the king's favor. she would have engaged in lesbian sex with the king's concubines ... as this was the accepted method of teaching a new queen how to please her husband. and let's face it ... if the king was like any other male i've ever known, then he probably liked to watch. and her sexual exploits are painted as a heroic means to save an entire race of people. genius.

but you don't have to examine history and customs to fill in the gaps in Biblical stories and get the down and dirty. some of the verses are unbelievably explicit.

some made me uncomfortable and question who God is ... like Genesis 19:30-38 that has a supposedly righteous man drunkenly impregnating his willing daughters. ew. or the father that offers up his two virgin daughters to a crowd of angry men demanding that he give up his angelic house guests so that they can rape them. i mean ... REALLY? it's not ok for them to touch male angels ... but your poor virgin daughters can be defiled? not sure that is very good for a teenage girl's perception of her worth as a woman. but i remember feeling really conflicted by how turned on i got reading about one of history's first gang bangs.

in 2nd Samuel Amnon rapes his sister, Tamar. incest is gross ... but to a teenage mind the idea that she was that fucking irresistible was kind of hot. but backing up ... King David himself ... what a stud. a true cinderella story ... shepherd turned King ... handsome and robust ... loved by all. and he had many wives, concubines and still wasn't satisfied. he got a poor soldier killed just to get it on with his gorgeous wife. 2nd Samuel and even 1st Kings read like action/erotica. they have it all ... war, blood, fighting, hot women, sex slaves and violence galore.

then we have the Song of Solomon. the entire thing is just ... pornographic. laughably so by today's standards maybe ... but when you understand the time it was written, it's pretty damn nasty. 5:4 "My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him." um ... are we talking about anal, here? 5:5 "I rose up to open to my beloved"--they are totally doing it. 5:6 "I opened to my beloved; but my beloved had withdrawn himself"--i guess he finished. 4:16 "Awake, O north wind; and come, thou south; blow upon my garden, that the spices thereof may flow out. Let my beloved come into his garden, and eat his pleasant fruits."--i think we all know what is really going on here. they are not talking about vegetables. 1:13 "A bundle of myrrh is my well-beloved unto me; he shall lie all night betwixt my breasts."--oh come on now ... to a horny, totally clueless little church girl this reads like the dirtiest letter anyone ever wrote to hustler. and there is plenty more ... but that gives you the idea.

all the men in the Bible had whores and concubines. one was even encouraged to marry a whore. i can probably tell you where all those stories are. because while everyone else was listening to the sermon for the day, i was getting all hot and bothered with my nose buried in scripture. my sexual awakening was literally happening in CHURCH.

i remember worrying about what people would think if they knew how dirty my thoughts were. i remember how passionless the sex lives of my own parents appeared. i remember touching myself and condemning myself afterwards. i don't feel guilty any more.

but i do find it ironic that some of my dirtiest fantasies were probably created while sitting in a chapel ... just longing to get fucked. even my propensity for submissiveness ... is probably rooted in the allure of the submissive women in scripture. even more ironic is the fact that some of the ideals i was raised to cleave to are still mine ... i still believe in God ... even if i don't think the church always represents him well. i still crave and aspire to connect with one man. to be valued and cherished by him. to be submissive and given over completely to him. to belong to one another body & soul. it's so romantic to me. to have a holy love ... and a slutty passionate sex life. there are two parts to this woman ... a pure heart ... and a total wanton whore. and it's largely due to Bible school.

Ezekiel 23:19-21 "Yet she became more and more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, when she was a prostitute in Egypt. 20 There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses. 21 So you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when in Egypt your bosom was caressed and your young breasts fondled."

seriously. try to keep pure thoughts while reading that when you are 15 years old.


  1. It was man who created false images and twisted truths of the scriptures. Yahweh is interested in respect and consent and honesty....punishing someone for their own regrets is a man made thing, and quite maddening.If two adults consent they may have lovers, there is no breach of vows. There are no restrictions in the marriage bed except whatever the party forbids, which is different for everyone.