Living out our fantasies in private... and letting the world read about them.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Did We or Didn't We?
So most of you probably saw our teaser photo a few entries ago. And you are likely wondering if we fulfilled Cane's MFM threesome fantasy.
The answer is "no" we have not. Cane + Jezebel + a mirror = Artsy sexy photograph. We kind of impressed ourselves and enjoyed the visual actualization of a fantasy.
We're exploring our interests, desires and sexual goals. This blog is part of that process. But before anyone goes and does anything on the extreme side (which for us would include bringing other people into the bedroom), it's important to really communicate. I will sing this song over and over on this blog until you think I'm an annoying nag. Communicate. Communicate. COMMUNICATE!
If you think talking about something makes it less sexy and exciting ... well, you're an idiot. Cane and I have had some of our best sex after getting wildly turned on by our own conversations about fantasies and interests. It's hot. And feeling accepted and understood by your partner is a turn on, too. Jumping into something without really understanding one another's feelings is foolhardy. What is that old adage about making assumptions? Oh yes ... never assume. It makes an "ass out of u and me." Ha. Ok, bad joke ... but true nonetheless. Without really talking things through, you are leaving your partner open to assumptions--which we all are prone to make--about the whys, the how comes. You want to see another man bang your girlfriend? Tell her. But also explain where that interest comes from. She may be a willing sex kitten in your hands, but if she loves you she will also have an emotional side that still demands to feel secure and loved. We are human no matter how horny we are--we cannot eradicate our ability to feel and fear and need. There are a lot of reasons why one might want another partner in the bedroom. You need to talk about your reasons so that your partner can feel secure and know that you are on the same page in terms of what is derived from the experience, as well as what it means for the relationship.
Back to the subject of me and another man in the bedroom ...
My own arousal and climaxes are very intrinsically tied to the level of arousal of my partner. Nothing sends me slamming into orgasm harder than hearing Cane let out an electric groan or realizing that he's gone into "wild man" mode (wild man mode being when a guy is so violently turned on that he can no longer demonstrate any restraint). Witnessing heightened levels of arousal is like crack to me. I get this bizarre sort of chill mixed with skipped heartbeats. There are orgasms I have on my own ... and those that are greatly impacted by the intensity of my partner's reaction to what we are doing. One is good, but the other is far better. My sexual satisfaction hinges on my partner's enjoyment. I'm just not one of those girls who can enjoy just "getting hers." I have envied this at times. But driving someone wild is always far more exciting to me. Always will be.
So I guess it shouldn't be surprising that this works its way into my fantasy life.
When Cane first admitted his ultimate fantasy was to see me fucked hard by another guy I was a mixture of repulsed, shocked and just plain offended. Before you presume that I reacted to Cane in judgement, be assured that I wanted to him to be honest and I was grateful for his disclosure. The secretive slut is all about candid communication. But the girly part of me--the part that is deeply in love with Cane and craves intimacy was left feeling a bit insecure momentarily. The natural torrent of internal questions came raining down inside my head ... "If he loves me, why would he want to share me?" ... "I don't understand why he doesn't feel jealousy--does he not value me?" ... "It would devastate me to just sit and watch him fuck another woman--why on earth would he ENJOY watching me fuck someone else?" My own understandable insecurities began to bubble. Because it's so foreign to what I find a turn on, I was having a hard time understanding where the arousing factor came in for him. Cane will explain this in his own entry.
I asked questions for a week or so. Cane admitted he likes to fantasize that while he's at work I'm home having sex with someone else in our bed. Once again, that fantasy--if we reversed roles--would only make me ill and want to weep. I kept asking him "Really? So if you came home and found me having sex with a stranger ... you would like it?" He maintained he would. "But isn't it something that appeals to you in THEORY ... but if you actually found it happening ... wouldn't you be horrified?" Nope. My own brain just couldn't shake the phobia that any such action would terminate the relationship.
It's like my brain is a computer. This message does not register. I'm not an easily threatened girl. Or the jealous sort. But I do think it's pretty normal on a basic human level to be possessive of your partner when it comes to bedroom practices. I'm possessive of Cane. I don't share my toys. My struggle became grasping how he could bear to have some other cock ramming in and out of me ... cumming on what is his. And furthermore, I honestly have never once longed to fuck anyone else since Cane came into my life. So part of my quandary can even be identified as ME not having any desire to be with another man. A romantic part of my nature railed against the very thought. I've always loved the idea of being someone's one and only.
But loving someone else means loving who they are. It means caring about their feelings. And turn-ons aren't something we necessarily choose for ourselves. They are what they are. Some shouldn't be indulged (hello pedophilia) but in the end, the things that arouse us do it with or without our consent. Because I love Cane, I've been determined to accept and understand his fantasy.
So imagine my surprise as I've found that when touching myself lately my mind instantly goes to a scenario Cane has described. Me, on all fours on our bed. Some strange man drilling me without mercy. And Cane sitting quietly in a corner just watching ... a witness and nothing more. And imagine my utter shock at how violently I've been turned on by it. Knowing he's so furiously turned on ... seeing another man take what is his ... him allowing it. My orgasm happens in seconds. His imaginary reaction spurs the most intense reaction of my own.
I get off on his reaction. I get off on the idea that I've subjected myself to something I didn't want, but that pleases my partner (it's so very 'Story of O'). I get off on being a whore for the pleasure of Cane.
And with that his fantasy slowly bleeds into my own. Where is this ultimately leading to? I guess we'll all have to wait and see.